ImaginedNews

STAIRWAY TO HEAVEN DISCOVERED IN LIECHTENSTEIN

2011-11-26T05:34:00.001-08:00

The "Stairway to Heaven" long talked about in various holy books, rock and roll songs and religious faiths was discovered late Friday night in the Principality of Liechtenstein, a tiny landlocked country between Switzerland and Austria with a population of 35,000."We thought it just went up to the top of Smyth's barn" said one resident who lived next door to the Smyth family for the past 55 years and had never been up the stairway. "We really had no idea".The stairway, hidden inside a barn on a small farm belonging to the late Harold and surviving widow Gertrude Smyth was inconspicuous and never noticed before now apparently. Widow Smyth commented that" Harold had never mentioned their barn did not have a second floor" which is where she had assumed the stairway led.During the auction of the estate in preparation for locating Mrs. Smyth to an assisted care facility after the death of her husband, the stairway was discovered by a young girl, Zelda Franken, age 13, who had "gone up the stairs to see if there was anything up there to auction off. At the top of the stairs I saw this open door and there was heaven. It was very pretty, kind of like a nice summer day in the Alps."Several people have gone through the door but reported that heaven is apparently empty. "What the heck," one of the investigating Constables remarked, "It is as empty as an old barn and looks like it has been that way for quite awhile now."Scientists, Philosophers, Religious leaders have been flocking to the site and most come away rather disgruntled at not finding God, Allah, Buddha, Jesus or anyone else at home. "It's just not what we had expected," a Roman Cardinal commented on the condition his name would not be published, "I just don't know where we go from here. I mean it's very nice in heaven, kind of like Liechtenstein, but I don't know where everyone has gone or what we'll do now. I'd just as soon stay here as move there."

Santorum Proposes Government Issuance of Whips

2011-11-19T06:35:00.001-08:00

Rick Santorum, another Republican Presidential Candidate, who surfaced as the party continues to dig deeper seeking a leader without suppressed scandals, able to remember up to three names of government departments and actually able to finish a complete sentence; has emerged as the candidate with a ghost-of-a-chance of winning an election in 2012. Taking the other Republican contenders by surprise as they also seek franchise endorsement, Santorum today proposed the Government Issue Whip's to all citizens who can prove their citizenship and produce at least one copy of a tax return.

"What the people of this country really need, especially those who have had to utilize Medicare, Food Stamps, and any of those other government give-away entitlement programs , is more pain. They have had it too easy and they need to learn to suffer a little more. I believe that self-inflicted pain or self-flagellation is the best way to do that and it has been working for me for many years.
Let's learn from our Afghan Islamic Brothers shown here that pain is the quickest route to ecstasy. Remember what Jesus said, "No pain no gain."

The candidate went on to state just how his program would work. Instead of give-away programs and any government support at all, when people were hungry, homeless, or sick they would simply go to a "government pain center" and special self-flagellation training classes would teach them how pain can be a joyful experience and to learn to welcome more pain into their lives in the future. In response, Governor Rick Perry, another candidate with a ghost-of-a-chance of winning the 2012 elections said he would go one step beyond that and give each citizen a hand gun also. "If they want out or simply want a quicker route to pain there is no quicker way," according to the Governor.

ENTIRE REPUBLICAN PARTY LEADERSHIP EXPOSED AS HOAX BY USA ROBOTICS, INC.

2011-10-29T06:22:00.000-07:00

Langsford, Maryland - October 29, 2011 - USA Robotics, Inc., has revealed in a press release today that the entire Republican Party Leadership consists of automatons manufactured at their Maryland plant and released into right wing extremist politics as an advertising gimmick gone awry. Company spokeswoman Ruth Ann Givens, the 1995 Miss Maryland winner, announced that the initial plan was to slowly replace key figures with automatons to demonstrate the proficiency and high-level technotronic capabilities of the company to produce robots so lifelike that even close relatives would have difficulty telling them apart. The real individuals were paid handsome retainers to enjoy some time off in the Cayman Islands or Turks & Caicos during the trial period beginning in late 2010 but the whole test backfired when the automatons were actually out-performing the humans they replaced in most polls and campaign debates. The real individuals insisted on remaining in the Cayman Islands until after the 2012 elections.

The leading automatons for the company were the Newt Gingrich and the Michelle Bachmann (pictured extreme right) automaton V. 3.4 which was actually far superior to the earlier version tested in Minnesota campaigns. The Bachmann model was able to fool not only thousands of voters and supporters but in fact the entire Bachmann family. Miss Givens went on to say that the campaign ploy was nixed when Company Controllers advised that the costs of supporting over 200 Republican leaders in the Cayman Islands for the past 26 months had become too expensive to continue. Most of the Republican leaders will be returning this week to the U.S.and their automatons taken out of service but stored as a replacement option for those suffering from campaign and debate exhaustion.

The hoax was discovered by this reporter after determining that recent mass resignations in both the Gingrich and Bachmann campaign staffs was actually due to the staffers discovery that both candidates were in fact automatons and incapable of sustaining normal bodily functions. While the units performed well in pre-programmed situations based on a variety of programming topics provided by several consultant groups to USA Robotics, they were unable to actually think and process thought as well as their human counterparts. In fact, according to Miss Givens, the automatons intellectual capacity is actually at about a sixth grade level. The company went on to comment that they had not created a Rick Perry automaton but had simply used the George W. Bush automaton with a new head since the programming was virtually identical otherwise. Apparenty, this unit had not been pressed into service since the Perry campaign had decided it was better to simply keep their candidate out of the debates as much as possible to avoid comparisons between Perry and other candidates which was felt would not be in Mr. Perry's best interests.

The Lord's Prayer - Politically Correct Version 2050

2011-07-12T14:26:00.000-07:00

Recently saw this: United Church of Christ Votes To Stop Calling God “Heavenly Father”

God isn't always a man, is she?

http://theloop21.com/news/united-church-christ-votes-stop-calling-god-%E2%80%9Cheavenly-father%E2%80%9D

So what will the Lord's Prayer, politically correct version look like by 2050.

The Deity Prayer

Our non-gender identified Deity, who art in heaven, hallowed be thy name, (whatever that name may be), thy kingdom or queendom come, although it might possibly not be a kingdom at all but a realm involving collaborative democratic processes, thy will be done, on earth or other planets or celestial bodies as may exist with life forms similar or different to ours, as it is in heaven or alternative location where our souls go after we die to be with you. Give us this day, without regard to time zone or daylight savings time, our daily bread and by that we mean some form of sustenance whether or not it actually is wheat, corn-based or micronutrients in a smoothie or whatever, and forgive us our trespasses, meaning any debts, affronts, illegal acts or other behaviors that we have caused other people, including non-Christians, as we forgive those infidels, heretics, atheists and misaligned Christians who owe or trespass against us, and lead us not into temptation or the inclination to gamble online or do anything which we might later regret even when we thought we had good justification for our behavior at the time but later realized was totally unwarranted, criminal or just downright wrong; and deliver us from evil and by that we mean the act of perpetrating evil, consorting with evil people or beings of any behavior which is simply unacceptable but has not yet been codified somewhere. Amen.

Rebranding A Major Job for "al-Qaida"

2011-06-24T10:12:00.000-07:00

According to this article, http://www.guardian.co.uk/world/2011/jun/24/bin-laden-documents-alqaida-struggle, Osama bin Laden wanted to change the name of al-Qaida to something different in an attempt to win over more Muslims.

This would certainly be a daunting task and reminds me of when Esso wanted to upscale it's image and spent millions renaming itself "Exxon" only to then ruin the name by spilling a large tub of oil near the Alaska coast. Obviously, Osama didn't understand that it is not the name that is a problem, but the behavior and methods of the organization. Nevertheless I've come up with a few suggested new names.

1. Why not Aramafia (Arab+Mafia). According to Wikipedia, 'the word mafia probably comes from the slang Arabic mahyas (مهياص), meaning "aggressive boasting, bragging", or marfud (مرفوض) meaning "rejected". Roughly translated, it means "swagger," but can also be translated as "boldness, bravado".
Other possible origins from Arabic (which somebody who hid and lived in a cave could appreciate):
maha = quarry, cave
mu'afa = safety, protection
(My apologies to those of you who are currently affiliated with the Mafia, Cosa Nostra or related organizations.)

2. How about these other original names for consideration:

"Muhammed's Lemmings" - Thus praising "the prophet" as well as reminding people that the group's primary initiation rite is becoming a suicide bomber by killing innocent civilians including women and children without regard."

3. Perhaps "The Sultans of Suicide" - Another catchy title which could include a variety of musical and artistic pursuits in addition to sending gullible, uneducated and emotionally unstable people onto buses and into restaurants wearing handsome vests loaded with Centex and Ball Bearings.

4. How about "مكان التخريب" which is supposed to mean, "Wreak Havoc Everywhere" ) That way it clearly communicates what the group does and its guiding principle "Chaos".

5. "Haters-R-US". Okay, I know its a little lame and has been perhaps overused but it really conveys the point. It's not so much about love of Allah or your fellow Muslim as much as it is about hating whoever is the unpopular "Great Satan" or "Un-Godly Foreigner" of the moment. For thousands of years, this title has been bouncing around the Middle East targeted towards Crusaders, Jews, the English, (_____invading tribes), the Spanish, the Russians and has more recently been passed to Great Britain and the U.S. or whatever country where al-Qaida can find some imbecile who is willing to blow himself up or go postal on a bunch of innocent bystanders.

Perhaps, they should just stick with al-Qaida or al-Qaeda or al-Qa'ida. Better perhaps to just spend some money on advertising so at least people can start spelling it correctly. It already has great name recognition all over the world, and a pretty effective image of a bunch of cutthroat zealots who hold themselves above the laws of Allah or God or Jehovah or Yahweh or whatever. Now there's a Guy or Gal who can use some rebranding too.

Palin to McCain - Emails from the 2008 Presidential Campaign

2011-06-11T07:57:00.000-07:00

Palin to McCain - Some of Sarah's Emails From the 2008 Presidential Race

SPalin to JMcCain - Don't know if you knew this or not but I play the flute. After your next debate I was wondering if I could maybe do one of those cameo things and just walk on the stage in one of those Uncle Sam outfits playing "Yankee Doodle Dandy". I think it would you know, kind of remind people that we are Americans.

SPalin to JMcCain - John, I so enjoyed your first debate last night against Obama. I think you really slammed him. I was so impressed when you mentioned Dwight Eisenhower writing two letters on the night before the Normandy invasion, congratulating the great members of the military and allies that had succeeded in the greatest invasion in history and a letter of resignation for the failure of the landings at Normandy. I had no idea you knew President Eisenhower. I once did a report on him at Wasilla Junior High. Were you already a Captain by then?

SPalin to JMcCain - John, I wanted to personally explain to you some of the history behind my firing of Public Safety Commissioner Walt Monegan because he wouldn't can that SOB State Trooper Mike Wooten. This Wooten guy is a real jerk. Not only has he been harassing my sister after their divorce and even threatened my Father but he has been found guilty of illegally killing a Moose and tasering his 11 year old stepson. I know you believe in holding people countable for their behavior and we take pride in Alaska in protecting and preserving our moose population. That's why I've only shot one in my whole life and it was legal.

SPalin to JMcCain - John, I am concerned that my past political experience is not being used to full advantage in planning our campaign. As you know I was elected by a landslide (909 votes to 292) in my second 3-year term as Mayor of Wasilla, so I know a few things about political campaigns. For one thing, I think I should get a new wardrobe and some clothes that make me look Vice Presidential before my debate with Senator Biden starts, and for all these other fun-raising events and things. You people dress a lot different down here in the lower 48.
SPalin to JMcCain - Thank you John for correcting me. I have always thought it was fun-raising but now that I think about it fund-raising makes more sense, but of course it's not as fun. :)

SPalin to JMcCain - John, lots of people don't know my middle name is Louise and growing up a few people called me Sarah Lou. I was wondering how we could take advantage of that during the campaign and was thinking maybe we could do some ads where we are like teenagers. We could have some video or pictures where I'm in bobby sox and you are in a leather jacket with your hair slicked back and we're in like a malt shop talking about what is right with America and Elvis is on the juke box and then there's like this big flash and its present day and we are all dressed up like now and talking about what is wrong with American and how we want to make it like those good old days back in the malt shop. What do you think?

SPalin to JMcCain - John, hope this reaches you but I keep getting my emails returned to me. Did you change your email address? I've called and left some messages. Is there something going on I don't know about?

WORLD COURT ISSUES INJUNCTION ON "RAPTURE"

2011-05-22T12:54:00.001-07:00

WORLD COURT ISSUES INJUNCTION ON "RAPTURE"

(Goiters News Service - May 21, 2011) The International Court of Justice or World Court has issued an injunction and stay on the "Rapture" prophesied to occur on May 21. 2011 and proposed by the God of Christianity, also known as The Nameless One, Jehovah, Jesus Christ, The Holy Spirit, Emmanuel and the Almighty to name but a few. The injunction was applied upon request of several governments in the Middle East and Asia who felt the rapture at this time would be premature, unfair and discriminatory against the followers of Islam, Buddhism, Confucianism, Judaism and pretty much everyone except Christians which means most of the world's population. Several countries have provided specific reference to outstanding debts and other obligations including current court cases between Christians and non-Christians, saying that allowing Christians to depart en masse from this world prior to settlement of these disputes would be paramount to a criminal jumping bail to avoid his court date.
The World Court issued a stay of ninety days for further evidence from both parties both supporting the "rapture" and opposing the "rapture" at this time.

An authoratative source, who agreed to speak with us about this issue only when their anonymity could be guaranteed, informed us that behind the scenes efforts to contact the "God of Christianity or Jesus Christ" have been unsuccessful to date. Calls have not been returned and efforts to contact Him by special courier and mail services have resulted in a return of parcels marked "addressee unknown" or "UNDELIVERABLE: Return to sender".

Meanwhile, the GrayHound Corporation which had been conditionally contracted to provide transportation for the alleged "Rapture" has also filed a suit in U.S. Federal Court, District of New York, for breach of contract and obstruction of interstate commerce by the World Court of the United Nations. In their suit they claim to have lost at least $43.5 Million in revenues due to the delay of the Rapture which they had been conditionally contracted to perform for Family Radio Intl. a California broadcasting company.